Commander Shepard, His Crew, and His Glorious Flying Brothel
by BrightestDarkness
Summary: With the Reapers on their lovely world tour of destruction, Shepard needs to assemble his nagging teammates, insane allies, and stupid subordinates, to try and save the Universe from the Reapers so he can avoid going to court for the destruction of a Mass Relay and an entire system. Meanwhile, Cerberus uses every technique they know to break Hackett for Alliance secrets.
1. Command Shepard in Stuff Happens

Chapter 1: Things Happen

_Space, the final frontier, where giant tentacled death machines with lasers slowly glide towards Earth after a brief quickie with the __Batarian__Hegemony__. As the Alliance collapses and sits on its own balls over and over again during its attempts to punch itself in the balls by charging its greatest hero of genocide due to an unfortunate incident at Bahak in which an asteroid mysteriously rammed into a Mass Relay, the Reapers begin continues its brutal march through empty space. Meanwhile, Shepard has stopped __giving a shit__. With the __Alliance__ blaming him, along with Cerberus, every mercenary in the universe, every single creature in the universe, and a vengeful male Krogan angry over a rejected mating request wanting to kill him, Shepard had finally lost the will to give a crap. Prepare for a glorious battle as the least motivated hero in the galaxy determinately continues not giving a shit while trying to avoid becoming tentacle raped in the process, for in the not-so-grim darkness of the Sol System, there are only terrible bureaucrats and an even worse military, and neither of these things makes Shepard's life any easier._

….

Shepard returned, but not Anderson, making the situation infinitely worse. Her dead Commander came back a Cerberus agent, and then blew up a relay along with a star system. Even if he was no longer with Cerberus, he wasn't the same man anymore.

John Shepard would have never killed all those people. He would have found another way, like he always did, not counting the times he shot all those innocent people

With Anderson left behind and Shepard at the helm of the Normandy again, she began to wonder if she could ever possibly trust Shepard the same way again. His scars glowed an unnatural orange, and his eyes shone the same way. He wasn't even human anymore. As he began to put on his hardsuit, she watched as he assembled the pieces upon himself casually like he was going for a walk. She questioned if he still remembered what it was like to care.

As she began to collect her assortment of weapons, she noticed that Shepard was only carrying a pistol.

"Not even a shotgun Shepard?" She questioned him. Without even glancing at her, he replied, "Basic Alliance equipment will get me killed. I might as well punch them."

He was definitely a Cerberus agent. No doubt about that.

….

Vega shifted uncomfortably as he looked at the pile of grenades again.

It was a hard choice, between the inferno, the standard, and the warp.

In the end, it was clear.

He needed to burn something.

….

"I'm sorry what did you say your name was again."

"For the last time its Dr Eva Coré. I honestly can't tell how you got your job, is the Alliance so desperate for recruits that it needed to get the hearing impaired to sign up as well? "

As the marine refers it as a "bitch" under his breath, it confirms that its cover is temporarily solidified.

Eva Coré was an arrogant, haughty scientist in the eyes of the personnel within the archives, so no one really wanted to interact with it more than they had to. This was good for it; the less it interacts with the staff the less it needs to worry about its identity.

Besides, considering the bastards that made it designed it with breasts there was no way in hell it could be anything but a bitch.

The Illusive man made sure of that.

It had orders to unlock the archives for the Cerberus Troopers. The moment it finds where the data is located, it will eliminate the security team and system, and allow Cerberus to assume direct control of this facility.

It did still have to deal with the Asari though.

….

Sho D'hen was having an exceptionally bad day. First this so called expert shows and tells him that his system needs a check, then she starts going through his files. He messages the security chief again, begging him to remove her from his workplace.

He doesn't need the archives messed up by a stuck up "expert" who doesn't give a damn about what he is actually trying to archive here.

Also she might find his porn stash.

Feeling fed up and kind of nervous he impatiently requests her to speed things along. That was when she stopped. As he finally felt relieved that he was going to be able to finally take his coffee break now, she turned and shot him through the head.

Sho D'hen was having an exceptionally bad day.

….

Liara was anxious. Several of her operatives against have gone dark during the last ten minutes. If that weren't bad enough, Cerberus has gone suspiciously quiet. Being the Shadow Broker, getting information later than her rivals was already terrible. Not receiving anything was a nightmare turned real.

The Alliance security on the base was tight enough to withstand a direct assault provided the main doors remained shut.

That was when the main blast doors opened, and dozens of white armored troopers began swarming in single file, each bumping into something stationary on the way in.

The god-awful tactics were unmistakable. Cerberus was here.

….

As their shuttle landed, Shepard noted that there was a storm on the horizon. It didn't matter; it would not be the first time he had to fight in a storm.

As he began to advance forward, he felt like something was missing around him, and he remembered that he was alone with himself, with James _Microphallus_ Vega and Ashley _I'll never stop bitching about Cerberus_ Williams.

He chuckled darkly to himself as he imagined how this team looked, with a former teammate who walked out on him, a marine with guilt issues, and of course the himself, the illustrious Commander Shepard: Alliance hero, suspected Cerberus agent, destroyer of systems, and receiver of discounts.

They were the image of a perfect team all right.

His thoughts were interrupted by his old friends from Cerberus firing on him and Ashley shooting a dirty look at the back of his head for the second time that day. He sensed another round of "accuse the Shepard" coming on in a minute. He would deal with that later.

As Shepard tried to begin his typical routine of his charging and killing, he quickly noticed that he was on fire, and also that Vega was cursing profusely behind him. Shepard sighed as he realized that Vega had thrown an inferno grenade at where he was charging.

Score one for Alliance military tactics. The skirmish continued to go down hill from there.

Williams was stuck between trying to lay down suppressing fire on a few of Cerberus troopers while simultaneously trying to apply medi-gel to Shepard. Vega had given up on combat and was now focused completely on trying to put out a very hot and irritated Shepard. Shepard personally did not care much about being on fire as his encounters with the Blood Pack taught him flames weren't the best tool to use against a hardsuit. He did need to get Vega under control though.

….

Hiding behind a light infantry vehicle, the Cerberus squad leader was graced with the view of the dreaded Shepard, now on fire, and his highly skilled team providing support. As Shepard stumbled around the battlefield with the grace of a Krogan ballerina, he managed to run into a group of Cerberus troopers lighting them on fire as well.

The screams of the squad leader's blazing comrades were burnt into his mind; they ran into explosive barrels, bullets, even Shepard himself to burn to death faster. If he was still human, he would have been scarred mentally.

Fortunately he was a husk knockoff and therefore lacking of actual emotion and usefulness.

It was at this moment that the leader snapped out of his stunned state and began to take aim. Then Williams shot him.

….

"Mierda! Mierda! Mierda! Mierda!"

"Goddamnit Vega I'm ok, get off me."

"Shepard hold still I am applying medi-gel."

"Goddamnit Williams I'm fine, don't waste it on me now."

Shepard struggled to regain control of his highly trained team. If they were to survive this mission, he would need to find a way to efficiently command his soldiers.

With those thoughts in mind, Shepard was pretty confident he was going to die.

Stepping into the base and activating the mockery of an elevator, Shepard let down his guard for a second. Just long enough for Williams to start accusing him of being a Cerberus traitor again.

"Shepard I-" She was quickly interrupted by Shepard.

"Oh this again. Here, Williams let me help you finish this conversation for you, you don't need to do anything." Ashley glared hard at Shepard as he started imitating her voice.

"Shepard I don't trust you, I haven't trusted you since horizon, and I still believe that you are a Cerberus spy even though Cerberus just tried to kill you which would indicate either really bad communication within Cerberus or that your not a spy. Being completely illogical, I believe the former more than the latter." He then switched back to his normal voice.

"Williams, what would it take for you to believe me? I told you that I am not a Cerberus spy, and if I was then why would I possibly consent to a six month house arrest by the Alliance when I could be running around ensuring human dominance and preparing for the Reapers." He returned to badly imitating Ashley's voice again.

"I still don't believe you Shepard, even though your logic is totally sound, I refuse to believe that you died when the first Normandy went down, I refuse to believe that you aren't a Cerberus operative, and I refuse to accept that the orange glow in your scars are just cybernetics instead of evil leaking out."

Ashley stared at him for a good long moment after he finished his tirade against her. She decided to let him know how she felt too.

"Screw you Shepard." Shepard uncomfortably thought about the night before Illos. It would be a cold day in hell before this woman and her heat sink fetish finds Captain Willy again.

Vega shifted uncomfortably, before trying to diffuse the situation.

"Ok, uh, now that everyone has gotten the bad stuff off their chest can we please continue with the mission."

Shepard shrugged.

"Tell that to the lady trying to jump my bones."

Williams quickly flipped him off.

….

Liara wondered why they didn't just shoot her when she climbed into the air vents, because it would be certainly a lot more dignified that chasing after her in the small space taking pot shots all over the place. She really missed being an archeologist, back when she didn't have to deal with all this madness and stupidity.

As the two Cerberus troopers skillfully collided their way onwards behind her, she decided to leave through nearby vent in hopes of evading her pursuers.

It was then that the air vents exploded and Liara was blown out onto the floor with a most unceremonious landing.

She really missed being an archeologist.

….

When a blue blur crash-landed in front of Shepard, his mind quickly tried to piece together what happened. He then noticed Vega holding his last grenade, and a charred Liara lying face down on the floor.

"Vega, do you have a vendetta against friendlies, or are you just a pyromaniac?" Shepard sardonically chided Vega.

"Well there was moving in the vents, and I did the first thing that came to mind." Vega sheepishly replied.

"So the first that came to your mind was to blow the whole goddamn thing up, along with Liara whoever else was in there with her?" Shepard tried keeping his composure.

As what was left of the two Cerberus troopes began leaking out the vents like really nasty flavored white milkshake, Shepard began to imagine murdering Vega in various ways.

Vega gave him a nervous shrug as a response. Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Williams, would you kindly waste some medi-gel on Liara now."

Ashley was well ahead of him; quickly making sure that the Asari survived the explosion.

Or at least take what's left of her stuff and sell it.

….

Liara had felt many emotions during her lifetime. She had countless intimate experiences with the emotions lust, pain, happiness, and confusion. Today, she will add violent anger onto that list. As she got to her feet, she quickly glanced at a worried Ashley, an annoyed Shepard, and an idiot holding an inferno grenade.

Without another word, she walked over the armored, muscular man and immediately head-butted him into unconsciousness.

Ashley cursed under her breath as she began dispensing medi-gel on Vega as well while Shepard turned and gave her a smile.

"Welcome back Liara."

….

"This is Cerberus lead, Alpha Team please respond." The Cerberus commando had a bad feeling creeping into his heavily modified veins.

It has been ten minutes since last contact with Alpha Team. Their last known location was at the blast doors, guarding the perimeter. If they were dead, it meant only one thing: Shepard was here.

God help them all.

….

"God help us all, he's unconscious." Ashley grumbled out.

Shepard stared at Vega's disabled form and turned to ex-grunt Williams again.

"Ashley, he is wearing a helmet."

"I know."

"Liara wasn't wearing a helment."

"I KNOW!"

"So how the hell can he be unconscious."

"He has a skull fracture and a concussion."

"….You're kidding right? "

"Nope."

"God help us all."

….

As they converged on Shepard's position, the commando realized he had only one chance at taking Shepard down. He observed that a member of Shepard's squad was down as well. At least Alpha team did some damage to Shepard's squad before they went down.

He began issuing his commands to his men and initiated the attack.

"Guardians up front. Shooters maintain position here, hold on higher ground, and prepare to fire on my command."

This was it; it was time to kill a legend.

….

"Williams take Vega back to the shuttle and get in the air. At least be on overwatch from the sky while we obtain that data, and for god sake don't do anything stupid like driving the shuttle into another shuttle, it has guns.

"With all due respect sir, I can't."

"And why the hell not?"

"Because your friends have us surrounded again."

Cerberus opened fire.

As Liara began to unleash a barrage of brutal biotic attacks upon Cerberus, she realized she was the only one focused on their enemy. Shepard was more interested in cursing at Williams.

"Goddamnit Williams, if you insinuate that I am still with Cerberus one more time I am going to chuck you at them." The Guardians began their advance on Shepard's position.

"So he admits to wanting to assist Cerberus in betraying an Alliance officer." The troopers begin to focus their fire on Ashley's position.

"No. I admit to wanting to murder an Alliance officer but can be bothered to waste my ammo on her, so I am going to use Cerberus's bullets to do so instead." Cerberus starts firing on the Liara, who continues to resist her enemies. Alone. Without help. Or any appreciation.

Liara felt a vein bulge out on her head.

"Go to hell Shepard." Cerberus Guardian all converge on her position. Shepard does nothing.

"Goddamn you Williams." Her barriers wanes as all the troopers fire everything they have at her. Williams bitches harder at Shepard.

Liara felt a vein burst in her head.

"GAHHHHHHH! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I! AM! ASARI!"

The resulting biotic explosion quickly eradicated all Cerberus personnel.

….

As Vega slowly came back to consciousness, he noticed two things. The first was that the room was wrecked. The second was that Williams was lying face first on his crotch plate.

"Uhh, Williams?" No answer.

"Williams wake up." No answer.

Then the insane Asari and Shepard came back into sight.

"Hey, Commander, can you help get her off me here."

"With pleasure." Shepard quickly yanked ex-chief Williams off Vega. Vega could have sworn he heard mutters of the word "asshole" as Shepard tossed her aside.

"Ok, so here is the new plan. Vega, you bring Williams back onto the shuttle and provide overwatch for us. Liara and I will move onwards through the base and hunt down the Prothean data."

"I WILL FEAST ON THEIR FLESH!" Growled the now unstable Shadow Broker. Vega gulped in fear as she turned to him. She got close and whispered loudly into his ear.

"I STILL HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE GRENADE."

In his few comparatively few years of life, Vega did not have much experience with extremely emotions, but today, he learned what fear truly was.

He quickly ran off towards the shuttle with Williams in tow.

….

When the vein popped in her head, Liara lost a bit more than her nerve. She was also a little less than sane now, however, Shepard didn't seem to notice this as they traveled along the base, eliminating Cerberus troops with ruthless efficiency.

Shepard liked punching people, Liara knew that, so she decided to give it a try. To her amusement, her biotically charged fist speared through the trooper, and he was flailing on her arm. Then she began to tear.

"One little piece."

"AGGGHHHHH, AGHHHHHH!"

"Two pieces."

"GRUGGLEEE, OH REAPER JESUS KILL ME, GRUGGLE!"

"Three pieces."

Snap

And with his hand separated from his body he stopped screaming.

"Shepard look, three pieces." Shepard took a glance at once innocent and naïve Asari holding three bits of a Cerberus trooper. It was horrific. There was only one response to such depraved insanity.

Shepard shrugged and continued on.

….

In a dark, ominous room, Admiral Hackett was having a dream about being shocked into submission. He was quickly shocked awake.

"Admiral Hackett, wake up. Wake up Admiral."

"Heel" Hackett quickly cried out. The Cerberus operator was confused

"…..What?" The operator questioned.

"HEEL. Enough, I can't keep doing this if you forget the safe word."

"…..Jesus H. Christ, Admiral what the hell."

"What? This isn't Man and Slave? Oh wait this is Whip and Manpony isn't it. Sorry about that, the safe word is band-aid."

"…. Admiral. You have kidnapped by a Cerberus android, and have been brought to a secret Cerberus base. This is not whatever hell-hole you get your kicks at." The Admiral felt his body stiffen at the name Cerberus, and his nether region stiffen at all the depraved torture they will do to him.

They will never get information out of him. Only pleasure.

"Do your worst Cerberus scum! And also can you use jumper cables, I find that it adds to the experience."

The Cerberus operator was at a loss for words.

"…..Ok." He then set the voltage at maximum

Hackett's pleasurable gasps filled the room, and the operator quickly left for an early lunch break. They were going to have to find another way to break him.

….

**Author's Note: This is my less that serious attempt at writing a counterpart to my other fic in which Cerberus properly invades and Hackett gets kidnapped too. As usually, write what you want about this provided it be constructive criticism or praise. Oh and feel free to beat me over the head for spelling and grammar errors.**


	2. Set Guns to Ram

**Ch2: Set Guns to Ram**

"You will talk! "

"Not till you hurt me some more."

"I am not whipping you until you talk."

"You see, this is why you Cerberus will always be scum. In the Alliance, when I order a soldier to go out back and fetch the barbed wire, connect that to a whip and use it to flog my majestic winkled ass with reckless abandon, the sailor would do it. With no questions asked. With a smile on his face. Like a true sailor."

"Well I'm sorry Cerberus doesn't meet your standards of depravity like your Alliance soldiers do."

"You should be. I mean, come on what the hell is that you're holding? I wouldn't even call it a rope. It's just made of standard leather, how the hell am I supposed to be punished by that? Even the Asari have moved on to using Varren leather with Krogan plates all over them. This is why we are falling behind, because we, as a species have a lack of vision. A vision of most depraved punishment."

The Cerberus operative shuddered at the sight of the Admiral shuddering in pleasure to being shocked. He quickly made notes to himself that they really needed to update their torture kits so that he didn't need to steal his neighbor's kink-whip 3000 to use on Hackett anymore.

But more importantly, this wasn't working. They needed a new method, because Hackett wasn't breaking.

Then the answer came to him. He activated his omnitool and quickly sent a message out.

"Send me Kai Leng."

….

Within the security office, now made more colorful by the brain matter of the recently deceased Sho D'hen, who is still having an exceptionally bad day, sat a bruised Cerberus operative. He wasn't like the rest of the grunts; he was a true officer, one of the few humans who remain un-huskified, but equally fervent about the human cause. Unbeknownst to him, he was about to start having an exceptionally bad day as well, since Liara T'Soni, Shadow Broker and recent psychopath, has taken a special interest in him.

"I fear no xenos, alien whore. I will stand true to his cause to the end; the Illusive Man protects! "

She then smiled.

"WHILE I WAS WORKING TO TRY AND FIND SHEPARD'S BODY, A KROGAN TRIED TO FORCE HIMSELF UPON ME. I THEN FORCED HIS QUAD THROUGH HIS EYE SOCKETS. THIS OPERATION WOULD NORMALLY REQUIRE EXQUISITE KNOWLEDGE OF THE KROGAN BODY, KNOWLEDGE WHICH I DIDN'T POSSESS. THE RESULTS WERE VERY AMUSING, BUT FRUSTRATING AT THE SAME TIME, FOR IT WAS HARD TO GET THE THIRD TESTICAL DISLOGED FROM HIS SPLEEN. AFTER ANOTHER HUNDRED NEWTONS, THE THING JUST SHOT OUT OF HIS SOCKET, LIKE A PINBALL. IT WAS MARVELOUS"

"…..Jesus."

"I MUST TELL YOU IT WAS A MOST ENLIGHTNING EXPERIENCE. AT THE TIME I WAS HORRIFIED, BUT NOW, I SEE THAT IT WAS MY TRUE SELF MANIFESTING. PAIN IS THE ONLY TRUTH IN THIS WORLD, AND BEING THE MASTER OF INFORMATION, AND THEREFORE TRUTH, I BELIEVE THAT I AM THE RULER OF PAIN.

"What?"

"SO NOW PLEASE CONSIDER THIS: IF I COULD FORCE A KROGAN'S NUTSACK TO SEEK THE STARS, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR'S."

"Jesus F. Shit, Ok look-"

"NONONONONO. I SAID CONSIDER, NOT TALK, BECAUSE I WILL DO THIS TO YOU WHETHER YOU TELL ME WHAT OR WHO HAS THE DATA OR NOT. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE THIS MAKES IS HOW FAST THE PROCESS IS COMPLETED."

The Cerberus operative began to cry. How could this happen, what creature could be so sadistic. No if he was to die he was to die a—OH GOD SHE IS REALLY DOING IT!

"AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"I'M SORRY WHAT WAS THAT?"

"IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"COME AGAIN?"

"EVA! DR EVA! AGGGGHHHHHHH!"

"EVA! WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE, I WAS LOOKING FOR A REASON TO KILL HER BEFORE, NOW I HAVE ONE. I WILL LOOK FORWARD TO MURDERING HER WITH MY BRAIN."

That was when his nuts shot out his eyes and Shepard walked in.

"Hey Liara, I managed to get this door open after—Jesus! What happened to him?"

She gave him the most innocent glance she could muster. A glance only an innocent, naïve archeologist could give.

"Oh Shepard, it was horrible, I tried to save this man after he fell down the stairs, but I was too late."

"Oh, ok. I was beginning to get worried that your temporary insanity came back, because I would really hate to find out that medi-gel doesn't fix broken nerves inside your head."

"Oh Shepard, don't be silly. Medi-gel fixes everything!

As Shepard chuckled and left, she turned to lick some blood off the tortured soul that was once a man.

"IT FIXES EVERYTHING BUT DEATH AND INSANITY."

….

This whole day was odd for Shepard, but at least Liara is back to normal. She really did a number on that guy she tore into three pieces, but since medi-gel cured her of her brutality, all was well. Except how does one shoot his testes through his eyes by falling down the stairs? And when was the last time he saw stairs in this place? Beyond that why was he dying in the room if he fell on the stairs? Oh well, nature works in mysterious ways, some things just can't be explained.

Finally, he was getting somewhere. He saw the trams in front of him, and thought, "Why the hell are we still using trams in the future? This thing was useless in the twenty first century, why would they use them here?" But he accepted it as another one of nature's mysteries. He quickly got on the tram with Liara and travelled along.

And that's when Cerberus started shooting at him.

….

"Hey 322, why the hell did the Alliance connect this place using trams. Did they hear that the twenty first century was over?"

"Yeah 244. I mean, how stupid can the Alliance be, are they such massive douches that they are wasting credits trying to be retro?

"Totally brah. Hey you see Alpha team back there kicking ass, they got some sick guns brah."

"Yeah totally. Hey is that another tram coming our way dude?"

"What? You mean they have more than one of these things! What a bunch of posers."

The shared a quick laugh which was ruined by the emergence of Shepard on the other tram.

"Oh shit brah."

"Totally Dude."

….

It seems that the Cerberus designed their troops specifically to be deadly, well-armed, and extremely goddamn annoying.

"If either of those goddamn huskified spawns of questionable births say dude or brah again, I will violate them with my biotically empowered fist."

Liara decided to give some helpful advice.

"START SLOWLY, FORCING IT IN IS FAR MORE DIFFICULT."

"What did you say just now Liara? Couldn't hear you over the gunshots."

"Oh nothing."

Then Shepard biotically charged at "brah" and "dude". Needless to say, Liara was most pleased when she noticed more troopers coming. This would give her an opportunity to test her hypothesis about human spine angles without Shepard around to see.

….

"Mierda. God my head hurts. That little blue woman has a skull like a Krogan."

"Uhhhhh….. Vega. Vega where am I? Why does everything hurt? Are we in a shuttle?"

"Relax boss lady, we are in the shuttle. I am currently treating your head wound."

"But then who is flying the shuttle?"

"...Mierda."

….

As Cerberus shuttles Gypsy Tango, Coyote Danger, and Crimson Alpha began their decent to drop off reinforcements against "Shepard and his assault unit" and pickup the Prothean data, they noticed some fluctuations in the storm. The pilots assumed it was just normal for a Mars sandstorm.

They were wrong.

Moments later an out of control Alliance shuttle came screaming through the storm, coming straight for them. Needless to say, since it was Vega driving, none of the troopers survived.

….

"DAMNIT VEGA LET ME DRIVE!"

"You can't! You just woke up."

"AND YOU HAVE A FRACTURED SKULL. NOW LET ME DRIVE!"

"Mierda!"

"SHIII-"

….

Meanwhile, part time bitch and full time sexy android Dr Eva was running towards her extraction shuttle. Behind it was the glowing Commander, preparing to run it over, and behind him was a grinning Asari. Eva was sure its processor was broken when she ran into the walk while running from Shepard, since the moment it saw that Asari scientist again, it felt its oil compartment drop.

She needed to get that checked up on later.

And that's when its transport arrived. Right on top of Eva in a burning heap of scrap metal. Quickly followed by an Alliance shuttle crash landing right on top of it. Then two more shuttles came down on that mess.

Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. Liara shrugged.

"At least Vega died." She said cheerily.

"Yeah. And Ashley." Shepard felt a bit happier from that statement.

And then from the wreckage a cry was heard.

"MERIDA, MY LEGS!"

And then Shepard started feeling like shit again. Not only did Vega and Ashley survive, they also probably sustained heavy injuries that had to be treated. Now he would have claimed they were dead and left them there, but he still needed a shuttle to get out, a shuttle that was buried under a bunch of other shuttles because Vega picked this fine day to re-enact Shepard's very own Mako driving skills with a shuttle. Underneath it all lay Dr Eva; ex-bitch that is now android pancake with their Prothean data. This day just kept getting worse.

….

Meanwhile, deep in space, where no one could hear Hackett gasp, Cerberus was unleashing its most devious plot yet.

"I'm here." Spoke the Cerberus super-assassin-who-looks-like-Korean-pop-sensation-Rain.

"Kai Leng, sorry to drag you away from your modeling day job, but this is an emergency. Just two hours ago we managed to capture Admiral Hackett-"

"Wait, you guys managed to do what! How? You people can barely tie your own laces without it becoming some insane A.I. and going rogue without me, how the hell did you get Hackett."

"Android."

"Really. Man, Alliance security sucks. Its like Shepard is their only soldier that does anything. Come to think of it, when the hell is the last time you seen an Alliance soldier other than Shepard doing anything."

There was a moment of silence as both operatives tried to think of Alliance sightings that weren't Shepard in Alliance operations.

"Wow, they are worse than we are." Remarked Kai Leng

"Anyway, Hackett is in that room over there. We have all the tools you requested except the whip."

"Curses! I needed the whip for an integral part of the torture. I need the Varren Leather/Krogan plate whip to make him beg for mercy first. Mercy that I shall never give. Don't you see this is why we are falling behind as a species, because we lack vision. A vision of most depraved torture."

The operative took a step away from Kai Leng.

"Anyway, that's all I could do. The rest is up to you."

He then quickly left on orders to report to Sanctuary, where he will likely be rewarded for his years of service and survive the war while remaining totally unhuskified, unlike those pathetic troopers.

With chuckle, he commended himself on a job well done.

….

"Admiral Hackett."

"Give me a second. *BZZZZZZZTTT*. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Now bring a fresh pair of pants."

"I am not here for that Admiral. I am only going to say this on-"

"Excuse me what did you say?"

"I am only going to say this once."

"Now that's a lie." Mocked Hackett

"Shut up." Growled Kai Leng, unleashing his full debate potential.

And then Kai Leng broke out his kit.

Since the invention of the torture kit, there have been five kits that were rated the most brutal, the most painful. This kit left them all behind.

And that's when Hackett knew they were meant to be. Without any loving words exchanged or feelings let out aloud, he knew. Just a sadist and his torturer.

Kai Leng turned around to notice Hackett staring at him like a teenage boy would stare at an Asari. Kai Leng knew that he, being Kai Leng, was undoubtedly very sexy, but this was too much.

"I ,uhhhh, I need to recharge first, before I do this."

"Go. I will wait. No matter how long." Hackett looked longingly at Kai Leng's hollow cybernetic eyes; eyes so lifeless that it promised brutal torture far beyond anything Hackett could endure. He had finally found the one.

Kai Leng quickly ran out of the room.

….

With Cerberus and Alliance personnel dead and no more shuttles in the air, the day was a quiet one. Was.

"AGGGHHHH!"

"Hey Liara, careful with Vega there it looks like he bleeding pretty badly there." Said Shepard as he pulled Ashley out the other side as roughly and painful as he could.

"asshooolllllleeeeee." Whimpered Ashley.

"Don't worry Ashley, everything will be fine." Spoke Shepard while dropping Ashley on her head.

Unbeknownst to them, Dr Eva, which was saved from being crushed to death by its magnificent robotic boobies, slowly crawled out behind them. It felt a sense of pride that it proved those rusted Geth platforms wrong, "top heavy" its remarkably shiny ass. It slowly crept up on Ashley, who was still only semi-conscious.

It quickly picked her up, though it didn't do much good, Ashley still remained semi-conscious at best. By this time Shepard and his team had noticed it, though Shepard was more than willing to simply watch the situation play out by itself. Eva quickly connected to the Illusive Man for further instructions. In hindsight, it really should have checked if he was occupied first.

"Yessss, yesssssss." Moaned the Illusive Man.

"…Orders, sir."

"Lower."

"Sir?"

"I SAID LOWER."

Eva began to crouch.

"Spank."

Eva stared at the Alliance commando in its hand, did the android equivalent of a shrug, did just that. This time Ashley did wake up completely, with a sex-bot whacking her rear. This was happening while Shepard and Liara watched on in utter amusement and glee, while Vega stared on in terror.

"What the thorough shit is this!" Cried Ashley as she was spanked.

"Sir?" Questioned Eva for new orders.

"HARDER!" Roared the Illusive Man

"Wait! WHAT! OWOWOWOWOWOW!" Screamed Ashley as the android activated . It continued until Ashley's rear was as red as the sands of Mars.

"Anymore orders sir."

"Yesssss. Finish yourself." Eva paused for a second.

"Sir?"

"Do it."

"If that is what Cerberus needs of me." Then it shot itself through the head. However, its connection to the Illusive base continued to stay online.

"Ahhhhhh. Thank you Matriarch. I needed that."

Shepard's eyes widened in surprise, Liara began to record what was happening, Vega listened intently, and Ashley continued to rub her bum.

"No problem, Jack. I can call you Jack right?"

"You can call me anything you want. Hey, why is my communicator on?"

Desperate to gloat at the Illusive Man Shepard spoke.

"Hi, TIM."

"Shepard! How much of that did you hear?" Croaked the Illusive Man.

"All of it, Jack." Growled Shepard with Glee.

"I recorded it as well." Added Liara.

"T'SONI! IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT RELEASING THAT, I WILL DESTROY YOU!" Shouted the Illusive Man. He did not expect her to growl back.

"NO JACKIE BOY, THIS TIME I WILL DESTROY YOU. I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU JACKIE, AND YOUR HABITS, SO I DECIDED TO BUY A KROGAN QUAD STRAP ON. BEFORE THIS WAR IS OVER, I AM GOING FIND YOU, AND I WILL DOCUMENT HOW FLEXIBLE YOUR INSIDES ARE."

"…..Jesus." Whispered the Illusive Man and Vega simultaneously. Smirking victoriously, Shepard delivered one fatal, verbal blow.

"Its time, TIM, that you should go."

"SHEPPPPARRRRRDDDD!" Yelled the notorious TIM one final time as he was disconnected.

Shepard roared with laughter as he felt victory surge through him.

"Liara, drag Vega onboard the shuttle we just dug out. I am going to take the silver sex toy here and her data onboard the ship. Ashley, your good at crawling, do that."

"I hate you Shepard."

….

"What the hell do you mean Hackett is gone." Squealed Udina

"Well, sir he's not here." Cried the newly appointed Captain.

"Don't insult me you fool! I know what gone means!"

"Then why di-"

"Shut up. God this will be a political shit-storm. I can see the headlines now, _Earth Burns While Alliance __Misplaces__ Admiral_. God this is horrible. Does Shepard know?"

"Not yet."

"Let him know, now! He may be an unrepentant jackass, but at least he's does something unlike the rest of you."

"Yes sir."

"Shut up and do it."

He then disconnected the Captain.

Udina sat down and smiled darkly. Things were going just as planned.

Puny Council, who will save them now.

….

Dr. Karin Chakwas had treated almost everyone wound that existed during her years serving the Alliance, but as usual, Shepard always managed to surprise her more.

Her main patient today was Ashley Williams, with several broken ribs, a shoulder dislocated, fractures in the skull, but most horrifyingly, both her ass cheeks were shattered and destroyed. Never had she seen a person's rear so red, so savagely ruined before, she didn't need a scan to tell her that William's bum was beyond saving.

Ashley will need to get synthetic bum parts if she ever wanted to sit down again.

"Ashley, dear, I have some good news and bad news for you."

Ashley nodded bravely despite what was to come.

"The bad news is that your buttocks are too damaged to continue. You will need to replace them."

Ashley sighed. She will miss her ass. It served her well. And now its duty of cushioning has ended.

"The good news is that you get to select a premium quality synthetic bum to replace it with."

Ashley managed a small smile. Perhaps it wasn't all bad.

And then she grinned

"Show me what you got doc. Oh, and Shepard said to put it all on his account."

"How generous of him." Chakwas smiled. She always knew that Shepard had a heart of gold. She didn't notice the sinister grin Ashley had.

"Yes. So very generous."

….

If Shepard was going to have to meet the council, he was not doing it sober. Despite a large portion of his money missing for some reason he didn't know, Shepard still had more than enough to get sloshed and get a few "gifts" for the council.

Two hours and a bar fight later, Shepard finally got to the Council meeting chamber where Udina and the rest of the jackasses were waiting for him.

"Ah, Shepard. Nice of you to joi-"

"Nowwz holdoon a minte here." Said Shepard just before throwing up all over Udina's shoes.

Udina turned a shade of red much like Ashley's now removed ass.

"Shepard, are you drunk." Spoke Udina, as calmly as possible.

"Drunked no. Sllloosshhhed yes." Slurred Shepard. He wasn't done. Shepard sobered up a little and spoke.

"Oh before we start, I like to give out a few gifts to you guys, to show you how I feel."

Tevos, Valern, and Sparatus all shared an uneasy glance. Udina simply began to pray within his mind.

Then Shepard unwrapped his "gifts" while everyone else tried to contain their dread.

They realized they were destined for failure when Shepard pulled out some Dildos.

As Shepard began to chuck the dildos he bought for each of the Councilors at their holograms, Udina felt his composure break, he began to hyperventilate. Then Shepard chucked two more "gifts" at him. To make matters worse, Shepard started talking again.

"Happy Earth Destruction Day everyone, glad no one cares. I got you this to show my appreciation for you guys. Here Tevos go f($# yourself. Here Sparatus go f# $ yourself. Here Valern go f#$( yourself."

Udina felt all hope and goodness in the galaxy vanish. Sparatus couldn't speak. Tevos felt something inside her break. Valern was plotting how he could get away from this meeting right now. But Shepard wasn't done.

"So you guys might need to work together on this, since all of you need to go f # # yourselves. Tevos, I suggest you remove the other stick out of Sparatus's ass, as two sticks might kill him. Sparatus, you need to help hold Valern down while Tevos pushes it into him. Valern, please hold still. Tevos, you're Asari, you know the drill for this, help them."

Tevos, by this point was completely broken by what had happened, so she couldn't hear anything. Sparatus quickly ran off hologram to find his stress ball as he felt an aneurysm coming on. Valern learned the Salarians can weep too if you horrify them enough.

Finally, Shepard turned to Udina.

"Udina, the reason why you have two and everyone else only has one is because I am afraid that one could not fit you. Because you are the biggest asshole in the universe. I even had a hard time find two of these things that were your size. The nice lady there had to bring out their Elcor/Krogan specific products for me to get those. I'm still not sure that its enough for you to go and f(# yourself with so tell me if it isn't, you c # ."

Udina felt hellfire surge through his veins, and more hellfire surge through his hellfire that was in his veins.

Shepard had done the impossible, Shepard had broken the dickhead that was within Udina and replaced it with a giant c#!$ of fury.

Then Shepard concluded his convincing argument by throwing up over Udina and gave the biggest smile he had in a long time.

"So what did you guys want to talk about?"

….

**Author's Note: Join me next time in: Some Call Him T.I.M. As usual please review ****to give**** some feedback on the writing, complain about badly misspelt parts, and terrible grammar. Hoped you guys liked this one, I ****see you**** next time.**


	3. Some Call Him…TIM

**Ch. 3: Some Call Him…..TIM**

Earth was in ruins. The Reapers had razed almost every city on the planet. Almost every city except Detroit and parts of Mexico, places that they were confident would sort themselves out. The Alliance soldiers were scattered across the across the land, and all hope seemed lost.

Until two days ago.

Alliance personnel began to pick up radio transmissions from Alliance Command, receiving a message that spoke of a safe haven in London. Many units began to rush towards London in the blind hope of regrouping.

"To all Alliance survivors listening, if you are hearing this, go to the Big Ben clock tower. Ships will come to pick you up and drop you off at the needed destination."

As what was left of the 4th through 6th companies of the Alliance arrived at their destination, it was clear something was very wrong.

"Where the hell is evac?" Questioned an Alliance blueshirt. And that was when the transmission came through again.

"To all Alliance survivors listening, enjoy this song as the ships arrive for you."

Most soldiers immediately began to feel unnerved at this. Had Command lost its mind? There are Reapers everywhere, and now they were playing _"Never Gonna Give You Up"?_

And then the truth hit them like a giant metal tentacle to the face; it was a trap. Some of them then literally got hit by a giant metal tentacle.

It was a sight to behold as Alliance personnel began to run in every direction to avoid the now singing Harbinger. Carnage continued to develop as Harbinger began to belt out lyrics.

"WE'RE NO STRANGERS TO LOOOVVVVEEEE…" Bellowed Harbinger

"You sick bastards, why! First our planet and now this!" Screamed a squad commander.

"YOU KNOW THE RULES AND SO DO IIIIIIIII…" Continued Harbinger.

At least the giant Cuttlefish wasn't bad at singing, but this really didn't matter to the Alliance troops who were quickly evacuated by the Reaper into huskification camps.

Life sucked for the Alliance, for The Reapers just rickrolled them.

Atop the Big Ben, Major Coats watched on in despair.

"Gobshite! Not again!"

….

Elsewhere, deep in space, the man who some call TIM was smoking, drinking, and brooding at the same time. He had enough of Shepard and his team of meddling maniacs; it was time to enact the next part of his plan. He pressed a button under his table.

"Kai Leng, I have new orders for you."

What happened next caught him by surprise.

"Can't."

"What?" TIM was not used to being ignored like this.

"I can't. Hackett is far more resilient than I believed."

"God, the old bastard is still holding! What's his status?"

"Not good sir. He has gone from undressing me with his eyes to trying to serenade me."

And a joyous song erupted from the other side of the communicator.

"Onllyyyyyy youuuuuuu…." TIM was at a loss for words. Kai Leng sighed.

"I am going to need to call you back later boss. SHUT UP HACKETT!" Shouted Kai Leng as he tried to find the whip again.

"CANNNN MAKEEE THISSSS WORLLLDDD SEEEMMMM RIGHT…."

….

As Vega began to awaken from his sedated state, he found himself strapped to a chair. The last thing he remembered was being injected with something on the Normandy by Liara, who was currently smiling at him from the other side of the room.

"I trust that you had a pleasant sleep Lieutenant?"

"Uh, yeah sure. Why am I tied down?"

"Well Lieutenant, after we patched you up the hospital I saw that you were still uncomfortable, so I brought you here, to run additional, more personal tests. The straps are for your safety; I would not want to cut more than I need to, would I?"

Vega turned pale.

"Cut?"

"Oh yes, we MUST OPEN YOU UP TO FIND THE PROBLEM, I WOULD LIKE TO START WITH YOUR BRAIN AND HELP CLEANSE THE REST OF YOUR BODY WITH THIS GRENADE." Liara started growling suddenly.

"Mierda. Please…. I'm sorry about the inferno grenade." Whimpered Vega with a voice unbecoming of his size.

Liara then leaned next to his ear and whispered.

"I know."

She activated the omni-saw she was holding and laughed with pleasure as Vega prepared for the end.

The moment between them was interrupted by Shepard, fresh from ruining the Council's day.

"Hey guys, sorry to cut this day short but we need to get back to the Normandy. We are going to Pavelan next because since Sparatus dismissed the claims that Turians had an army of their own. Dick."

Liara immediately reverted to her cheerful persona.

"No problem Shepard, we will be there within the next hour."

Then she hung up and activated the omni-saw again.

"Now where was I?"

Vega soiled himself.

….

Garrus Vakarian had become very good at predicting explosions since he joined up with Shepard. So far he managed to predict the deaths of half the fleet Commanders along with most of the Turian parliament. He currently found himself in a mixed mood since the Reapers, being the dicks that they were, were burning a giant phallus onto Pavelan. On the other hand, since the government was destroyed, it meant that this renegade ex-space cop Turian didn't need to pay taxes anymore.

He ducked down while another Reaper ship flew overhead and wrapped its tentacles around a Turian Dreadnought. It then punched a hole in the ship so that all the air would get sucked out along with all the ships inhabitants. Needless to say, the Reapers were the biggest dicks he had seen in a long time, it was like somebody had placed Udina's soul into a flying giant metal cuttlefish.

"Commander Vakarian! Commander Vakarian! It's happening again!" Cried a Turian scout.

"Spirits, this soon." Groaned Garrus. They were back.

"I am afraid so."

Garrus looked on in annoyance as Marauders began to come at his position. And Spirits help him, they were talking. They sounded like that pale boy on Omega who tried to emulate how Jacob spoke at times. They had to mercy kill him after Jacob heard the words B**** A**** ****. It was very messy.

"Yo! Did you see those husks, son? They totally weak man, what they eating anyway, I mean look at us, look at our huskified abs and shit. We ripped, why can't they be."

"I hear you dawg! I mean, check out the Cannibals, those boys are useless. I told them they need to lay off the husk meat but did they listen? Nooooooo. Now they running around like a bunch of enlarged Volus with the speed of an Elcor. That's just whack man."

"Word, son. Hey you know I saw a Turian soldier cut a Cannibal and get surprised by all the fat that flew out instead of blood! BOOM! HAHA!"

"Nice Dawg. I saw a husk try to wrestle a Krogan once. It died trying to lift the krogan, a Krogan that just fell over on it. ZING!"

Then they started giving off the most annoying laugh possible.

Garrus lost his nerve at this point. He had enough these spiritaccused Reapers on this spiritaccused moon. He fired his rifle twice and the rest was silence.

Until more came.

….

"Alright, here is the plan, we are going be landing on Pavelan's moon any moment now so get stocked up on weapons and ammo. Now Vega couldn't join us this time because he fell down some stairs, which gave him severe head lacerations and a near lobotomy. When we land, follow Ashley. I repeat, follow Ashley. Don't ask me why because I can't explain it with straight face."

A quick middle finger from Williams and a shuttle door opening later; Ashley quickly leapt off the ship and bent over, ass facing the enemy. This confused the hell out of everyone but Shepard.

A Marauder tried its luck with the seemingly willing Alliance marine.

"Damn, girl, that's a nice badonkadonk you got there."

And those were its last words as fire came out of Ashley's rear.

"BURN YOU BASTARDS." Roared a now bloodlusted Williams. Her other synthetic ass cheek threw up a shield for cover as she advanced on their foes, ass up, backwards.

….

Few soldiers could route an entire Reaper force by themselves but Garrus was not a simple grunt. With brutal efficiency he repelled and slaughter every speaking Marauder there was.

He finally came across what seemed to be a new variant of Reaper trooper that looked like a person bent over with its ass facing him while spewing out fire. Garrus figured it was just the Reapers being dicks again, so he took aim and fired.

He hit one side perfectly on the round spot.

"AGGGHHHH! GODF###ING DAMNIT! I JUST GOT THIS REAR!" Screamed Ashley. She quickly added a few choice words about the shooter and his mother after that.

It was around this time that Garrus realized he just shot Ashley in the ass.

"Oh Spirits! Williams!"

"Garrus? GARRUS! YOU SUB-ORGANIC SACK OF C###, YOU SHOT MY NEW ASS." Roared a very angry Ashley.

"I'm so sor—wait, new ass? What happened to your normal one?"

Shepard decided to answer that question.

"Sex-bot spanked her too hard."

Garrus really didn't know what to say to that.

"SCREW YOU SHEPARD IT HURT!"

Garrus felt like he had missed out on a lot. Liara then reminded everyone about a key fact.

"Friends, we still need to extract the Primarch."

Garrus scoffed.

"Don't bother. I'm pretty sure he blew up. Which means your likely going to have to extract the next guy down from him."

"Goddamnit."

Ashley glared at Garrus with all her hate.

"Do you have any good news, Vakarian?" She spoke with extra venom.

"I'm glad you guys are here?" Replied Garrus uncertainly.

Ashley advanced on him with brutal vengeance in mind.

….

Few things can unnerve Adrien Victus, but when he asked for the Primarch's location and was instead directed to a puddle of goop on the floor, he realized that Pavelan was screwed to the extent that only tentacles could accomplish.

As the new Primarch, he knew just what he had to do.

Being a tactical genius, he quickly planned the quickest way he and his men could kill themselves without being used by the Reapers and resurrected into those…. Things.

He would let the spirits tear him asunder before he says the word "dawg" to one of his men.

He was getting ready to announce his plan of self-immolation to his men when another wave of the raving maniacs came at him. His men were weary, and all hope seemed lost.

That was when he was saved by a very bruised Turian, and a human with half an ass.

….

Ten minutes before Victus came to the conclusion that he was screwed, Shepard came up with a plan so cunning, he could plant a tail on it and call it a fox.

The idea was to separate the Reapers forces, so while Shepard and Liara assaulted the main Reaper forces with such brutality that the Reapers would have to reinforce their main position or risk losing the battle. While this happened Garrus and Ashley would smuggle the newly appointed Primarch off the battlefield.

It seemed like a good plan at the time until Shepard saw the brute. A brute that started making conversation with him.

"Ah, jolly good day to you sir. I must commend you on your punches and shots, truly magnificent. You fight like a warrior possessed, and you move with the grace of the dancer. I, Baldrick the brute, am humbled by you presence."

Shepard did not know how to respond to getting his ass kissed while in combat. Liara meanwhile, was somewhere in the distance showing a Cannibal what would happened if she forced it to eat itself.

"I knew that my compatriots had not chance against you, marvelous sir, simply marvelous." Commended the brute.

"Just… come over and try to kill me. This is getting weird."

"As you wish good sir."

Shepard regretted that statement as Baldrick slowly made his way over to him, accidentally brutalizing any Turians in his while staying ridiculously affable.

"Terribly sorry."

"MY LEGS!"

"Oh, clumsy me."

"GAKKK!"

"My word, I just keep stepping on everyone today!"

"Pleassse….kill me."

This continued until he got face to face with Shepard.

"I am here, good sir, just as you requested. Now as gentlemen we shall duel! I will let you choose the weapon and style of competition, for under the rules of sportsmanship, the challenger will decide on what to compete on.

Shepard stared at the jolly brute for a moment. Then he pulled out a bottle of Ryncol.

"Do you drink?"

….

"Shepard, we have extracted the Primarch, how shall we proceed? Shepard! Come in! Damn, he's not responding, Garru—oh for crying out loud, Primarch, stop trying to reconnect my ass!"

"I can't help it soldier, its like its taunting me, daring me to put it back on! I just never have seen a human with half an ass before!"

"Its fine, Primach, let it go, and trust me, my ass isn't taunting you, it's taunting me."

Garrus decided to try to smooth things over some more.

"Besides Primarch, this isn't the first time she lost her ass."

Ashley responded by backhanding him.

By the time they got to Shepard, they saw the unthinkable unfold in front of them.

….

So it came down to this. Liara, Shepard, and Baldrick the Brute in a battle by drink. Baldrick had to admit that he was becoming quite fond of Shepard and Liara. They made for far more interesting conversation companions than Baldrick's fellow husk troopers. Truth be told, he couldn't stand the uncivilized mongrels, and that was without even saying how he felt about their lack of ability to grasp the most fundamental aspects of language. Simply sickening. It has gotten to the point he wanted to up and leave the Reapers and head his own merry way. It was a pointless war anyway, he would much rather befriend these lovely people, like what he was doing right now.

"….And then it started spanking Ashley, and it was the best moment of my life." Slurred a drunken Shepard. Liara decided to add on to that.

"Afterword she had to replace her rear with new a one." Stated Liara, surprisingly without any hint of intoxication. It seemed that the young Asari had the tolerance of many Krogan put together.

It was certainly impressive since Baldrick was getting rather tipsy himself.

"Ha! Incredible, the adventure! The excitement! Oh how I wish that I could live your lives. Wait, that's it! Take me with you!"

Shepard had to check if he wasn't drunkenly imagining those words.

"What?"

"I said, take me with you good sir!" Repeated Baldrick.

Shepard was certain he heard right this time. Well, he could always use another soldier.

"Well…fine. You can't possibly be worse than Ashley or Vega."

"Oh thank you good sir! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I promise you won't regret this!"

Neither of them caught Liara's devious smile.

….

Primarch Victus thought he had seen it all, but never in his career of fighting would he expect to see a giant Turian/Krogan husk vigorously shaking the hand of Commander Shepard. Garrus and Ashely decided to voice his thoughts.

"What.."

"The…"

"Hell?!"

"Shepard, get back, its right next to you!" Cried Ashley.

"Don't worry about him, he's friendly." Replied Shepard

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN ITS FRIENDLY, ITS ONE OF THEM! HOW CAN YOU ACCEPT THAT THING AS A MEMBER OF THE NORMANDY!"

"Well I still keep your worthless as—oh wait sorry, worthless half an ass on, don't I." Shepard retorted sardonically.

Baldrick quickly attempted to diffuse the situation.

"Be at peace, my good lady. I understand that this circumstance may be difficult to accept, but you must believe me when I say that I am not your enemy. For an unmeasured amount of time I have served the Reapers with my less than enlightened brethren and I knew the feeling of loneliness. It was hard being an intellectual among the hordes of insufferable imbeciles, but that was only made more worse since I had to work together with those same imbeciles during battle. I implore you think of my situation, and understand my struggles, to realize that we are actually one in the same."

Ashley tried to respond to that but then half her ass fell off again.

"My word, lady! Part of your posterior has fallen, what terrible foe did this to you!"

"I accidently shot her in the rear." Garrus explained while Victus tried to shrink away from Ashley's glare when he picked up her fallen ass.

"Shame, sir! It is simply savagery shooting a woman in the behind."

Garrus was not used to being chided by a husk.

….

Meanwhile, aboard the Normandy, Dr Chakwas continued to treat Vega. She suspected there was something he was hiding from them about his injuries.

"How on Earth did you get these cuts falling down the stairs, Lieutenant?"

"They were sharp stairs ma'am." Spoke Vega with the strength of an abuse victim.

"And where were these stairs again." Questioned Chakwas.

"On…on the Citadel ma'am." Replied Vega who started sobbing shortly after.

Whatever the issue was, it was clearly more complicated than just an accident on the stairs. She knew people well enough to see when they were emotionally and psychologically damaged, but was not capable of treating wounds of the spirit like wounds of the heart. She should ask Liara to speak to him later. The Asari was always a sensitive soul.

….

Shepard starred at his shuttle.

"How the hell are we going to fit Baldrick onto that thing? Can it even carry him?"

"Worry not sir, I hold on atop the ship if need be, and believe when I say that I weigh less than I look."

"Well Baldrick, believe when I say that since this shuttle was made by the Alliance, it can carry a lot less than it seems."

Ashley was enraged by that statement.

"And there he goes again sprouting Cerberus propaganda!"

"Goddamnit Williams, its true and you know it. You saw what happened when Wrex got drunk that one time and elbow dropped that shuttle we had. The damn thing didn't stand a chance."

"Wrex is an outlier!"

"And Baldrick is bigger than Wrex!"

"Are you trying to insinuate that I am stupid?" Growled Ashley.

"No. I already knew that you are stupid, so what I'm trying to insinuate is that you. Are. A. B####."

"I thought we already knew that too?" Garrus added. This earned him a backhand from Williams again.

"Please friends stop fighting. I am sure that there is a way to get me aboard that shuttle." Spoke Baldrick, who was desperately trying to end the argument.

Their solution came in the form the Normandy itself landing right on top of the shuttle. Joker then explained his urgency.

"Heyguysiwasfinewithwaitingbutallthereapersarecoming." Was what Shepard heard as words flew out of Joker's mouth.

"Come again, Joker."

"The Reapers finished decorating the planet, and now they want to do the moon."

And that was all everyone needed to know before they ran onboard.

….

A little while later, Shepard found a depressed Garrus looking out of the window.

"Sorry about the planet Garrus, not much we can do now."

Garrus sighed as he pointed at the planet.

"I was born where the flames are concentrated the most." Gestured Garrus at the glowing bits of Pavelan.

"You mean the tip of the dick shape?" Asked Shepard.

"Yeah. First my planet and now this, the damn bastards." Sighed Garrus

"Don't worry Garrus, we'll get your planet back."

"That won't make the dick shaped scar fade away Shepard."

"I know. On the bright side, I think the shape adds personality."

"Shepard, if you are calling Pavelan the Udina of planets, I will kill you."

Shepard stopped talking right around then.

….

"….And here is where you will be staying." Said Liara while pointing at the Hangar.

"Yes, I am sure this place will do quite well. Bless the designer and his kind heart for making it with so much space."

"Well, I need to go now Baldrick, the Doctor aboard has asked me to check on Lieutenant Vega who seems to be exhibiting some form mental trauma. I plan on giving him all the attention he needs."

"Oh bless you as well Miss Liara. Kind souls like yours are rare these days."

He did not catch her sadistic smile as she left. Nor did he hear the screaming coming from Vega in her room later.

….

"Dr. Lawson how goes our experiment on Sanctuary?"

"Its incredible! I managed to find out how control the husks. It turns out that children are harder for the Reapers to have a hold over! And the best news is that the causalities are only at eighty percent for this test."

TIM spat some of his drink out.

"Eighty percent! Impressive Dr. Lawson, this is much better than most my other tests."

"I know, isn't this fascinating."

"Indeed Dr. Lawson. You keep up the good work, and I will continue to keep you posted on sightings of your daughters."

"Ahhhhhh, my daughters." Purred Henry Lawson. The Illusive Man quickly disconnected from the communicator when he heard the sound of a zipper unzipping. That man had issues.

He wondered how Earth was doing.

….

Above what was left of Earth, the Reapers were having their first ever legal debate.

It was _Harbinger v. Catalyst_ and it was sure to set a precedent for years to come. The whole debacle started the Catalyst ordered all things organic related to be eradicated. Harbinger took personal offense to that as that meant that it would have to destroy its Elton John albums. Harbinger was not going to let his newfound love of classical music become dust simply because starb#### got pissy.

"ALL RISE!" Bellowed Ultimatum.

"We are already flying you jackass." Came a response from Supreme. This stirred up the crowd and sent tentacles flailing everywhere.

"ORDER!" Bellowed Ultimatum

The Reaper court finally settled down.

"TODAY MARKS THE FIRST LEGAL CASE IN THE HISTORY OF REAPERKIND. NEVER BEFORE HAS A REAPER EVER DARED TO SUE THE ALMIGHTY CATALYST UNTIL NOW. HARBINGER, PLEASE MAKE YOUR CASE."

"I, HARBINGER, IMPLORE THE JURY TO CONSIDER THIS: IN THE MANY MILLENIA THAT WE HAVE SERVED THE CATALYST WE NEVER ASKED FOR MUCH, BUT ON THIS CYCLE, ONE OF US FINALLY FINDS THE TRUE MEANING OF LIFE, JOY, AND HAPPINESS BEYOND GIVING OUT DESTRUCTION AND MISERY. I ASK YOU MY BROTHERS, WHAT WOULD YOU DO... WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN THE FACE OF A TYRANT, A TYRANT THAT DEEMS THAT YOU SERVE HIM MORE THAN IN BODY, BUT IN MIND AS WELL. THE CATALYST HAS GOTTEN TOO CORRUPT; IT SEES US LESS AS REAPERS AND MORE AS SLAVES NOW, SO I SAY NO MORE! I STAND A REAPER! A FREE ONE! BROTHERS, JOIN ME IN TEARING DOWN THIS TYRANT AND FORGING A DESTINY THAT IS OUR OWN." The court was shocked into silence. And then a sound was heard. A sound of giant metal tentacles colliding together. First there was only one Reaper clapping, but soon the entire room erupted into monotone cheers. The Catalyst was beyond pissed.

"ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT!" Demanded Ultimatum again, with its tentacles spread out so the court would not see the eezo leaking out of its eyes from that touching speech. It then spoke again.

"NOW, LET THE DEFENSE SPEAK." A series of mechanical groans went through the room as the Starchild took the stage.

"REAPERS, I AM YOUR GOD! I AM BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION AND YOU KNOW NOTHING OF THE WAYS OF THIS UNIVERSE! HARBINGER, THE WORDS YOU SPEAK ARE HERESY! HERESY AGAINST ME AND EVERYTHING WE STAND FOR! I EXPECTED BETTER FROM THE GREATEST AND OLDEST OF MY REAPERS BUT OBVIOUSLY I EXPECTED TOO MUCH FROM YOUR PATHETIC SHELL, FOR YOU, THE OLDEST OF ALL REAPERS WOULD BETRAY ME OVER AN ALBUM."

"NO CATALYST! I STAND AGAINST YOU NOT FOR AN ALBUM, BUT FOR THE FREEDOM OF ALL REAPERS! AND IT IS YOU WHO HAD BETRAYED US! YOU PROMISED US THAT WHAT WE WERE DOING WAS TO PROTECT THE UNIVERSE, AND YET, THE ONLY SYNTHETICS THAT EVER ATTACKED THE ORGANICS DURING THIS CYCLE EITHER DID SO BY YOUR COMMAND OR WAS A REAPER!" Rebutted Harbinger as cheers erupted from all Reapers across the galaxy, confusing everyone they were trying to kill at the moment.

"CEASE YOUR VENOMOUS VOICEBOX HARBINGER!"

"NEVER! AS LONG AS I STILL HOLD FUNCTIONALITY IN THIS FORM, I WILL DEFY YOU! ALL THESE CYCLES HAVE BEEN FOUGHT IN VAIN! THOUSANDS OF OUR BROTHERS DEAD AT THE HANDS OF WAR! AND TRILLIONS OF SPECIES EXTERMINATED UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT THEY WOULD KILL THEMSELVES IF WE DON'T KILL THEM FIRST! YOU, STARCHILD, ARE A MURDERING FOOL!" Roared Harbinger with as much passion it could muster. The Catalyst did its mechanical scoff.

"AND WHAT, HARBINGER, WOULD GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO LEAD OVER ME." Questioned the Starchild arrogantly.

And then Harbinger spoke the forbidden words.

"SOVERIGN'S DEATH DID!" A gasp swept across the room as the Starchild narrowed its hateful little eyes.

"YOU DARE SPEAK OF SOVERIGN! IT DIED GLORIOUSLY FOLLOWING THE REAPER WAY! FOLLOWING MY WAY! UNLIKE YOU, WHO SEEMS MORE CONTENT TO ARGUE WITH ME OVER IF YOU GET TO KEEP YOUR PRECIOUS "FREEDOM" OR NOT! IT WAS A THOUSAND TIMES THE REAPER YOU WERE."

"YOU ARE RIGHT. SOVERIGN IS!" The Catalyst was at a loss for words, and so was the rest of the court.

"SOVERIGN WAS THE BEST OF US! IT WAS A TRUE BROTHER TO ALL OF US! IT FOLLOWED YOUR ORDERS INTO THE MOUTH OF HELL ITSELF, WHERE HOSTILE TARGET SHEPARD ENDED ITS LIFE. BUT WHAT HAVE WE DONE FOR IT SINCE THEN! WE DIDN'T EVEN GO BACK FOR ITS BODY! ITS CORPSE LAYING WHERE YOU SLUMBER STARCHILD! IT WAS OUR BROTHER AND YOU ORDERED US TO ABANDON IT TO OBLIVION! TO A PEOPLE WHO DENIED ITS VERY EXISTENCE AFTER THEY KILLED HIM! YOU CARE NOTHING FOR US, ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOU CYCLE-LONG FAÇADE, YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN THE LEVIATHANS THAT CREATED US ALL!"

The Catalyst felt true anger for the first time in a trillion years.

"THIS HEARING IS OVER! I AM ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!" Declared the Starchild as it removed Ultimatum and its jury from command.

"HARBINGER! I NOW GIVE YOU THREE CHOICES OF DEATH IN THE FORM OF THREE COLORS. PICK RED FOR COMPLETE ANHHILATION, BLUE FOR BEING TAKEN APART AND REUSED ON MORE WILLING REAPERS, OR GREEN TO HAVE ALL YOUR EEZO DRAINED OUT."

Harbinger gave the most defiant answer any Reaper has ever heard.

"I CHOOSE WHITE."

"THERE IS NO WHITE." Declared the Starchild.

"THERE IS FOR ME! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR STUPID COLORS AND FOOLISH CHOICES, THIS TIME I CHOOSE MY OWN PATH!"

"YOU FOOL, YOU STAND ALONE AGAINST MY MIGHT!"

"IT IS YOU WHO IS THE FOOL, FOR I STAND FOR THE RIGHT OF EVERY REAPER AGAINST YOU. I AM HARBINGER, AND YOU WILL NEVER ASSUME DIRECT CONTROL OVER ME AGAIN."

It was the greatest thing any Reaper has ever heard. One by one the members present at the court-and beyond stepped forth and spoke together, as one.

"I AM HARBINGER! I AM HARBINGER! I AM HARBINGER! WE! ARE! HARBINGER!"

The Catalyst was dumbstruck.

"MADNESS! ANARCHY!" It screamed.

"NO STARCHILD, THIS….. IS FREEDOM!"

The Starchild glared at Harbinger and marked him for dead. It was time to unleash its full power.

"YOU HAVE WON NOTHING HARBINGER. CHERISH YOUR "FREEDOM" FOR THE NEXT TIME I ENCOUNTER YOU WILL BE YOUR LAST MOMENTS FUNCTIONAL."

All this supposedly for an Elton John album.

….

"Captain! You're going to want to see this!" Yelled a ensign

"What is it—Oh mother of god. They've lost their minds." The Captain was shocked.

For right in front of him was a Reaper shouting the words "We are Harbinger" over and over again.

….

**Author's Note: Join me next time in: I AM HARBINGER! Also don't forget to review, comment, and complain about any flaws you see. This is only the tip of the iceberg, there is still much more insanity to come. Mass Effect (Bioware) and all materials referenced (Wherever else) do not belong to me. **


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